mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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