WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
