Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
