Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
