I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
