Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
