Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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