My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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