so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
