He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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