i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
