he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
