Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize