I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
