I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
