I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
