i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
