I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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