the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
