Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
