my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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