I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well I just put wine in my tea
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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