Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
