so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
