dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
