I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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