I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my being single is dangerous.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
