Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
