Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
