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i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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