i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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