1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
