we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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