to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
