Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
we should paint friendship bongs
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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