I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize