he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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