you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
