Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
