I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
