Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
