its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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