my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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