Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
