Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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