So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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