how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize