I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
