I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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