yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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