so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
