Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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