There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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