Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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