Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
