If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
