Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
