good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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