dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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