i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
