Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
nutella sex= disaster
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You were trust falling into bushes
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize