please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
