lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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