sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
