I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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