9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sober January is a disaster.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
