Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
