I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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