i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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